Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
