My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
