Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
