Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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