Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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