Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
