dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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