u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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