you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
