She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
