conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
