I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize