addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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