I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize