I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
