I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
