so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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