My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
