Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize