Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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