I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize