I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize