you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
