Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
