I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize