hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
