she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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