My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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