Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
