my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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