Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
