Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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