Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
