"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize