JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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