I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize