Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
