You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
