I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize