I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
