i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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