I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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