Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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