It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
