I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
