Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
