We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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