I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
