I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
