Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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