I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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