Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
one two three fourrrrnication!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
