Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize