There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
