Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
