She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
