I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
