Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
