you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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