sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
