South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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